the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
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i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Meowchelangelo
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.