I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
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I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?