My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
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‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME