God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
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My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
A duv-egg? In this economy?