Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
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“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!