By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
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I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.