satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
You Might Also Like
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will