Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
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Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Good point.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.