Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
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I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)