gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
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toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I never know how much to tip a cow.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”