DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
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“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars