INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.