I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
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Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”