Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
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While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea