Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
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me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”