[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
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Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
the last thing a carrot sees