The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*