Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
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Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
The glory of fall.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will