*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
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The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
don’t we all
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat