i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
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*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program