Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
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Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.