just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
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Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol