INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
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interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
can’t talk my ride’s here
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?