We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
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I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.