Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
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*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Ah..makes sense now
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!