Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
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What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
nice challenge
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?