*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
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Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess