me linking you to my twitter
You Might Also Like
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!