[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
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I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.