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I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
*3.5 thank you very much.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.