Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
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Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”