Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
You Might Also Like
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Mornin
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice