me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
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Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
huge valentines day plans this year!!
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.