*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
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My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?