I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
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Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
@ candidates for local office
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*