I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
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Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
My Plans 2020
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them