I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
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Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition