[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
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Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters