Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
You Might Also Like
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker