just having fun
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I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I bet
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.