Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
You Might Also Like
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.