[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
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‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I hate my earbuds.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.