What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
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Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
This a good idea
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda