Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
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God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”