ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
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I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Me buying fruit and veg
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.