People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
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Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
courtroom exchange of the day
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.