Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
You Might Also Like
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
birds and squirrels envy us
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.