Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
You Might Also Like
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?