Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
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They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?