50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
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I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
umm…
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.